Batter Up!

Like the rest of you I have been overjoyed throughout the fast, but yesterday it took an ugly turn. All this time I thought I was making progress, but the fast took it all from me in one short, revealing moment. Let me explain.

I went to Kroger on Saturday night to do some shopping - in the sense that most people mean shopping, not my usual dash through the store for a cart-full of sinner food. Since I started the Daniel fast, I have been spending more and more time in the grocery store. I walk up and down every aisle, run my eyes over each and every food item, and pick up a select few. Those lucky ones are then studied and scrutinized, each ingredient tested against my now database-like knowledge of Daniel-fast-approved foods. Tempted to cheat? Not on your life. If anything, I have undertaken a McCarthy-esque hunt for preservatives, sugars, yeast, and communists. Well, not so much the communists, but if I find any I'll out them as well.

I have even begun to cook. I take that back; since Laura will be reading this, I won't overstate it - I have begun adding a small variety of spices and seasonings to things that can be heated readily in the microwave. And I have been adding two or more foods together that I would not previously have mixed based on my pre-fast cooking, I mean, mixing knowledge. The results have been.... I'm not starving to death, and that's what's important. I have found foods to eat for breakfast, foods for lunch, foods for dinner, and even some snacky foods in between. I spend time preparing those foods so I can take them with me to work and plan to be home to eat between other activities. I avoid being anywhere without reasonably ready access to approved foods so that I will not be forced to choose between death or cheating. Being a pretty determined person, you'd probably find me with an untasted cupcake clutched in my lifeless hand.

So here's where the fast turned on me: after I posted all the stuff before about God giving us what we need and all, I really felt like I was growing spiritually and learning to truly rely on God. Then it hit me. When we go to battle against sin in our lives, God gives us what we lack which allows us to win. I thought I was at least facing Satan's shock-and-awe military campaign with my trusty whiffle-ball bat, delivering stinging swats between God's thunderous cannon-fire. But now I realize it has more closely resembled a three-year-old hiding behind his Father's leg while shaking an angry and trembling fist in the air.

I've had to face many personal challenges as God has called me closer to Him, but I have not put as much effort into overcoming any of those as I have put into succeeding at the Daniel fast. Don't get me wrong, I have won some battles and pushed many sins out of my daily life. But even when I desperately want to rid my life of something I don't go to such exhaustive lengths to reduce the chances for failure and maximize my chances for victory.

I'll use an example to which anyone can relate: getting angry at people who do stupid, stupid, STUPID things in traffic (sorry, still struggling!). I really want to stop and there are times when I do better. But in my efforts to curtail this sin I would never consider leaving for work a few hours early so I can just drive slowly and lower my chances for failure. I would never consider riding MARTA to make it a complete non-issue. After all, those things would be so inconvenient for me! But so is spending two hours in Kroger reading the ingredients off dozens of foods ("Wait, what are rolled oats? Is organic cane sugar really sugar? It's organic, after all..."), but I do it because I'm committed to the fast. I know the Bible tells us that in order to do His will we are called to choose inconvenience, even to choose suffering and death (Psalm 44:22) for His sake, but I never noticed how far I am from actually doing it when it matters.

In Ecclesiastes 5:4-5, it says, "When you make a vow to God, do not delay to fulfill it. He has no pleasure in fools, fulfill your vow. It is better not to make a vow than to make one and not fulfill it." I've made many vows to God in the wake of sin, surrendering my old ways to Him, only to return to them a day, week, or month later. And, as the fast tells me, it probably has a bit to do with my failure to go the necessary lengths to keep myself from willful sin, as David prayed in Psalm 19:13. It's almost embarrassing that my steadfast commitment to a symbolic fast shamed my commitment to obeying God, but then I realize that's actually the whole point of the fast and I am encouraged.

Now, where's my whiffle-ball bat?